Mental scrapbooking

I'm always inspired by themes. In fact, I've come to realize that I tend to think in themes with an undercurrent of the outline form. For the longest time, I'd said, I thought in outline form...I guess it's more of outline form with color. I scrapbook my thoughts. I suppose it helps me to organize my thoughts, quell my anxiousness, and helps me see the prettiness in things. More and more (with the help of many friends along my journey) I've begun to embrace the girly aspect of my personality; embrace being the key word. But, I've just noticed that in this last paragraph, there's been no form...no theme...no order...

So that's another aspect of me that's me...randomness. Tangents. Ooooh! LOOK AT THAT!!...wait. what?...lack of focus...but if i do this, then what about this?...what about?...what if?....i can't decide. don't make me decide...i'm afraid...

I think that's one of the reasons that I've not blogged consistently. There's too much going on in my head (ideas, worries, plans, avoidance) and I have a hard time focusing on one of the snowflakes 'cause they're all so interesting. Then when I do, I spend so much time thinking about it. Observing it. Wondering about. Worrying about it. Planning for it. Dissecting it. That, when it comes to talking about it, I'm just plain pooped to try and get it all out on paper, er, computer. And then there's the issue of me trying to get it out of my head in a way that communicates to anyone who bothers to read what it was that I went through internally. But then, what if it sounds silly? What if I missed a step? What if I put it in the wrong order? What if I use the wrong word? Then I read friends' posts and then I'm totally stuck. I get inspired and the ideas swirl around. A storm brews and new snowflakes appear and then I get distracted all over again.

Is it a green moment with traces of blue? Does this background really make my pink come out or obscure the purple I really wanted to focus on...but the pink is still so pretty. Then should all my pages work from the beginning of the red spectrum with slashes of gray throughout?

I wish my life would stick to the plan I have in my head. But then, when I go to look into scrapbooking stash to make it all work together, I realize a few things.

I don't really remember what I wanted to be when I grew up. I think I wanted to be everything.

I wanted to be a model cause they got to where pretty clothes and smile all the time. My paper wasn't bubblegum pink enough to pull that off. It was more of a distressed fuschia with black edging. Not good enough for the masses.

I wanted to be a nurse like my mother. But I realized that the deep blue I had worked well, but I didn't have the patience or innate character to develop this page. The paper could rip too easily and I wasn't up for that kind of pain.

I wanted to be a writer. But realized there were too many sticker options that I gave up trying to fit them all on the page 'cause it got cluttered. I suppose now, this is my way of at least having a sticker collection.

I wanted to be an architect. The concept of measuring it all ahead of time and making it all fit perfectly overwhelmed me. I like order, but because I know that I'll make mistakes I avoid anything that reaveals that too easily for others to see.

I wanted to be a lawyer. I saw others using greens, purples, yellows...you name it. But then I thought I didn't want to have to fight to make others like my choices. I couldn't face the rejection of forcing the issue only to find that I didn't really want that choice either.

I became a teacher and found that I was pretty good at putting my book together. When I started, I had fairly clear plan for the purpose of the book and how it would flow. Half way through, I was wondering why, even though it looked presentable, I didn't like it. I was starting to hate the book. Even though I loved the papers I was using, the embellishments and MOST of the pictures that went in, the book was getting on my nerves. It hit me that I spent WAY too long creating the pages, and overthinking them. I was in misery while putting them together instead of enjoying the process of the making the page AND enjoying them afterward. Instead of pointing out the cool things about what I'd created, I dwelled on all the mistakes I made. I realize now, how I might have better responded to the mistakes, but I still don't want to revisit that book for awhile. I do, however want to go back and revisit the papers I'd worked with...the embellishments I had a knack for using...the layouts I enjoyed. I just think someone else might have to show me where I can find better pictures. I'm fairly sure I need a new location but I'm not willing to find it right now.

Maybe it's because deep down, I don't know what I want. Deep down, I don't know what God wants for me. I know I'm not supposed to fret. Yeah, yeah. Rest in Him. Trust in Him. Let Him unfold my life's plan ;-)

Maybe, it's because that burgundy paper I thought would mesh perfectly with my pictures or at least, the pictures I planned to take, isn't really burgundy but more of a wine with red polkadots...NOT what I was looking for but it's what I got. And now, I'm just fighting between being okay with that or saving up to buy what I'd wanted in the first place.

Or maybe, I'll just use the mauve.